2012-01-06 21:10:00
*sigh* I'm feeling very, very awkward. I'm conflicted, I'm annoyed, I'm pissed off and I just don't know what to do.
My eyesight is awful, that's no secret. I am also a complete pansy, that's no secret either. I cannot force myself to wear contacts, so it's just glasses for me. Sadly, the kendo glasses I ordered recently just don't seem to be working with the standard helmets I've encoutered so far. Meaning that for the first time in my life my eyesight is going to prevent me from doing something I love: without good eyesight and without proper protection I'll never be able to take part in kendo.
This has made me rethink churgery. (EDIT: "churgery"?! Really! I must've been out of it yesterday!)
Laser correction however is not performed under general anasthesia meaning that it's not going to happen. If I can't put contacts in or even touch my own eyeball, then no way in hell is anybody going to put clamps on my eyeball and prod my eyes. No. I need to be out cold. Which leaves us with lens implants. Sounds good to me.
Only, it'll cost roughly 2000 euros per eyeball. And it requires that my eyes are stable, which they aren't. So I'm probably not a viable patient and it'll cost us quite some money out of our own pockets.
So many unanswered questions. So few options. But I do know this: I really, really want better eyes. And I really, really want to do kendo. I'll need to have a chat with my GP so she can refer me to an optometrist or eye doctor for a good talk.
Honestly. If there ever was anything I could magically change about my body, it'd be my eyesight. Muscles I can take care of myself and I don't care about the stereotypical male "Oooh, I wish I could change that!". My eyes. Come on, magic genie! Come on, Celestia!
In the mean time I'll just keep on looking for a way to fit glasses inside my kendo helmet. That's gonna cost a penny too :|
EDIT:
It might be "wrong" thinking, a broken thought process perhaps, but I feel it's ironic, despiriting and humbling that I'm letting me stop myself from practicing a martial art that is as much about spirit and mental force as it's about physical strength simply because "I can't do something". To the point that I feel unworthy even trying to be part of it. If I can't overcome my own fears and reflexes over touching my eyeballs, how the heck am I going to overcome my adversaries?!
Plenty of people have assured me that "it's easy to learn" and "you'll definitely get used to it". But then the frustrated voice in me yells, "Really?! Really? How are you going to teach an adult to overcome a reflex that's been burned into his mind twenty years ago? The same adult who gets violent to anybody going near his eyes?". It's not about getting me to physically touch my eye, it's about overcoming childhood traumas that have become deeply ingrained.
Maybe I have it the wrong way around. Maybe years of kendo will help me overcome this crap. Maybe I'll be able to try contacts in a few years -because- of kendo. And to think that I was this --> <-- close to saying "I'm not worthy of studying kendo".
kilala.nl tags: health, body, meh, sports, kendo,
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Posted by Hans
I know your frustration and I can't do anything about that, but the offer still stands to help you with contacts. The first time they needed two people to hold me control and still my eye-lids where stronger that their fingers ;-) One girl didn't believe the story to find out the truth we she put a cold contact in my eye. Guess what grabbed her finger ;-)
But still, the offer stands to help you practice. Thee on Monday?
Posted by Kaj
Jasper: trouble is; when you're as finicky about putting something *near* your eyes, a little suction cup won't help either. :)
I've tried lenses some ten years ago for over a month, and I slept with my lenses more than a few times, and while I was able to put fluid in my eye to slicken things a bit, I visited my optometrist more than a few times as well to help me get them out. :)
So while I don't share the anxiety Thomas has, the time it took me to put them in and take them out was far greater than I was willing to spend to look pretty. (which was my main objective at the time)
Eyelids have strong muscles, and mine are no exception.
Thomas: I gather you'll just have to practice, practice and keep on practicing 'till you overcome it.
It might also help to talk to some professional to lighten your childhood load. I'm aware that Marli is a great alleviator, but it can be very refreshing and eye-opening to have someone you don't know to have a peek into what's bothering you. You may also find that such a peeking often sorts a far greater effect that you'd initially imagine, and you'll both profit immensely.
We should perhaps talk about it some more in person. :) Hang in there, buddy.
Posted by Thomas
Great feedback guys :)
For now I'll simply go and find a helmet which -will- fit my glasses. And in the meantime investigate the refractory surgery where I'll go under full anasthesia, where they insert an extra lens into my eye.
Posted by Roger
I've been contemplating eye surgery since i read about it in the KIJK magazine when I was 10.
We've come a long way from Diamond scalpels and
DR Fjodorov to LASIK and LASEK.
I've had contact lenses for years now (both hard and soft)
Hard lenses at the time were a big no no combined with martial arts, soft lenses were a lot easier.
If you were careful you could even have them in and swim.
Nowadays I just use dailies, they are thinner and you tend not to notice them when they are in (quite a pain to take out though if you are tired)
For me the only option other besides contacts would be a lens implant, since corneal ring segments (my preferred choice) won't work for me. ( -4 or better)
The best part of lens implants is that the procedure is reversible....
Posted by Menno
What childhood trauma are we talking about here? And btw that's a lot of thinking dude ;).
Posted by Thomas
> Trauma:
The one where three people held me down in a chair to give me eye drops. Since then, anyone going for my eyes gets a shove and I start throwing my head back and forth.
> Lot of thinking:
You're right and in the course of that thinking I also thought of what you have been telling me. I also listened to Marli and just threw away the thought of not "being worth it".
Posted by Menno
Aha, doesn't sound like a pleasant experience those eye drops. Good thing it's in the past!
Yes! You are worth it. And more.
Posted by Thomas
Many thanks to Marli and you for frequently acting as my voice of logic and reason.
All content, with exception of "borrowed" blogpost images, or unless otherwise indicated, is copyright of Tess Sluijter. The character Kilala the cat-demon is copyright of Rumiko Takahashi and used here without permission.
2012-01-06 22:47:00
Posted by Jasper
A strong will does help with contacts I guess! And you'd only need them in during Kendo.
Ofcourse you aren't really touching your eye itself, there's the contact in between.. Maybe you can practice getting used to your finger going towards your eye at first. Just move your index finger to touch your eyelash.
Also, if it helps if it's not your finger, for Hard lenses you have small suckers to put them in or take them out.
I hope you're able to overcome your trauma!