2013-02-24 21:27:00
The past few months I've been dealing with my anxieties in what, I hope, is a better way than before. Having been through CBT has certainly been empowering and educational. That doesn't mean that I'm free of anxiety, but it does mean that I've learned ways of dealing with them.
Funnily, yesterday I had a bout of anxiety when we dropped off Dana with her grandparents in Friesland. Plenty of doubts and worries pent up about her sleepover, which led to some physical effects while we were there and on the drive home. I was also a bit anxious about the night's kendo practice. All of that was mostly resolved by talking about it with Marli, which certainly is one of the prime methods I've learned: dispeling illogical and worrisome thoughts with the help of others.
I am writing an article for Kendo World magazine, based on my experiences with anxiety and kendo. The article will explain what anxiety disorders are, how they are treated, how I've experienced it and how it can occur in a kendo dojo. If everything goes as planned it'll be printed in the next issue. Exciting!
kilala.nl tags: anxiety, kendo,
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2013-02-04 12:45:00
I may have finished my therapy sessions and CBT training, but that doesn't mean I'm "over" my anxiety disorder. I've learned how to copy with anxiety and with panic attacks, but they're not gone. Sadly it doesn't work like that. The most important thing I need to do in order to keep making progress is to continued "exposure": ie "facing my fears".
Until a few weeks ago training kendo in Amstelveen counted as exposure, until finally something happened which dropped the barrier and now I'm fine with it. Visiting kendo training sessions outside of my comfort zone still counts as exposure though. Similarly, I used to get anxious about unexpectedly going into town for shopping, but that's no longer an issue anymore either.
Yesterday, I tried something new again: taking Dana into town on my own, on a crappy-weather day, to visit the library. And to make it extra challenging, we took the train instead of the car. On our way to the station I was feeling a bit of anxiety, but once we were in the train and then walking to the library it all went away. Zero panic, only a mild discomfort on the way there and clear sailing once we got there. Succes! :)
kilala.nl tags: anxiety,
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2012-10-17 07:44:00
All of yesterday I'd been feeling crappy, so I wasn't altogether too confident going to kendo. It was nice going together with Herman and Charl though :)
As I'd feared I had to bow out during kihon practice, because I was soo tense and out of breath that I'd keel over if I didn't. I don't know what was up yesterday, but all my muscles are/were tight as heck and my breathing patterns were a complete mess. Meh. So I quickly joined Roelof-sensei and Herman at the beginners' side. There I practiced oki-men, sayu-men and the semete-men movements we've been working on for the past weeks.
Pointers that I was given during class:
During class I noticed that I'd cracked one of the take on my newer shinai. ( ;_;) I guess Roelof-sensei sure had a point when he said I was hitting too hard. I'll see if I can fix that tonight, otherwise I'll find another solution.
EDIT:
When it comes to good stuff (it's not all bad), I've been writing a lot for the new Renshinjuku kendo dojo website. Aside from summaries of the classes I attend and some news posts about kendo events, I have also started a series of lexicographical articles. I know from experience that all the Japanese terms and phrases can be confusing for beginners, which is why I want to take the time to explain them. Of course there's the dictionary list compiled by our teachers, but that only provides translations and little explanation.
First up in the series is an explanation of the various types of geiko ("training"). Next up, to be published on sunday, is an explanation of all the commands used during warming-up and the various types of suburi. In the near future I'll also write about the commands in seiretsu (plus some background on dojo layout) and about our equipment.
kilala.nl tags: anxiety, sports, kendo,
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2012-08-27 21:01:00
Tonight started out just like last night and the night before: Dana was refusing to go to bed and complaining that she wanted to stay on the toilet.
She didn't want to go into her bath at first, but I managed to get her in by distracting her. Sing a song, play a little, do silly things, but that only worked for a little while. We brushed her teeth, but then she quickly went back to the old deal: she really wouldn't budge from the toilet, cramped up and looking anxous.
And then it hit me: anxiety.
Marli's mother had already suggested that maybe Dana was feeling scared about going to school. Marli herself confirmed that Dana had been asking about school every single day. You'd think that I, as someone who regularly has anxiety attacks, would recognize one in another but there we go: Dana was very clearly highly stressed and running her thoughts in circles. And the hysterics from the two nights before definitely fell into the "fight" category of fight/flight!
After some calming and soothing words I managed to coerce her back into bed, where she kept on repeating that she wanted to go to the bathroom. She also kept thrashing her legs. I got her to do our regular breathing exercises ("How do we calm down? That's right!" *breathe innn* *breathe ououout*). And while we were doing that I tried to break her thought patterns, by thinking of fun stuff. So we started whispering about grandma's dog Flip, who's a fun dog. About playing with him, about him chasing a ball, about the garden with chickens, how Flip likes grandpa's boat. And how Flip has a bed in the corner of the room and how he'll try to mooch food. And so on. That worked remarkably fast, because soon she started twitching her eyes and drifting off to sleep.
So... Turns out that I was horribly mistaken :) My daughter wasn't being a manipulative hellion, but was instead scared subconciously and needed help. I reckon tomorrow night might be another repeat, but at least now we know how to deal with it.
kilala.nl tags: anxiety, baby,
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2012-08-24 07:40:00
Well, as is to be expected I still get anxiety attacks :)
During our holiday to Austria I had two small ones: one on the morning of our departure which I mostly slept through, and one at the top of the Maiskogel mountain. For the prior it was obviously triggered by doubts about our ten hour drive. The latter was probably triggered by my over-emphasizing of my vertigo. The way up was hell, the way down was really no trouble at all.
Now, yesterday was a different story! I'd been planning the Shadow Era meet&play for a few weeks now and was very much looking forward to it! I know and love the city Utrecht, I was looking forward to going back to Subcultures, I was going together with Martijn and was going to have fun with new people! But still I had a panic attack.
My body was still aching from Tuesday's training with Jeroen. I think I really overdid it and busted muscles in my shoulders and arms. Even typing still hurts today :| I was also very tired throughout the day and fell asleep on the train. Back home I was dizzy, disoriented and more achy, so Marli sent me to bed. But right before that I noticed that I would not be able to drive our car to Utrecht at all. Marli quickly stepped in arranging that she could take us and that Dana would stay over with her aunt.
Uhoh! That got the ball rolling! Here's some of the stuff that raced through me:
... and so on. Thought upon thought upon though. Honestly, Marli is the one who pulled me through it and ensured that I didn't call it all off. She decided that we were in fact going and she set it all in motion. Once in the car I was getting worse, but breathing exercises helped. By the time we were in Utrecht I was feeling mostly fine, a bit agitated but no fight/flight instinct anymore.
Obviously the evening turned out to be great and we had a lot of fun :) By the end of the night I was knackered though. My original exhaustion was topped by running on adrenaline for at least two hours and by my confusion/panic. Sleep wasn't great either, so I worked from home today.
Marli's the one who got me through this :) I'm hopeful that this success will aid me in future bouts with anxiety.
kilala.nl tags: anxiety,
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2012-06-17 11:21:00
Marli and Dana are at the Dolfinarium in Harderwijk, with our good friend Nathalie and her son Lucas. I was supposed to come along as was Nathalie's husband Paul, but where Paul was indisposed with a head cold and work, I let my anxiety get the better of me. That's the second time in a month's time that a social occasion got spoiled. Meh :/
Luckily there are also plenty of occasions that -are- successful (I'm keeping track of everything, as part of the post-therapy work), but stuff like this always stings a little. I'll just make sure not to beat myself up about it. :)
Recently Marli did make an interesting observation: "Sometimes I think that the therapy only made things worse, because you're now very aware of the problem. Now you're expecting it and preparing for it even in cases where you never had issues."
Along similarly interesting lines I remarked: "One thing I really hate about my anxieties is that you (Marli) can't fully trust me anymore: is he really sick, or is he anxious and is he trying to get out of something?"
EDIT:
Pfew! Turns out it wasn't completely bad that I didn't go :|
The Norit I took this morning held the wolves at bay until roughly 1330, then they reprised their attach with a vengeance. I'm not used to activated coal passing through my system in under twentyfour hours, so four is a new record. Yikes. I'm definitely staying home from work tomorrow; I'd hate to infect colleagues with this bug.
kilala.nl tags: life, meh, anxiety,
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2012-06-15 09:06:00
What a great week! </sarcasm>
Wednesday saw a number of 'escalations' at the office, one of which I was involved with. I tried to deal with it to the best of my abilities, including the enryo rules I'd set for myself. I was polite, I enforced standard procedures and when management became involved I defered to my acting teamlead. The latter however did not prevent at least four different people from contacting me personally, trying to force the issue. While I believe that my team acted exactly as we should have, I feared that we would (once again) be portrayed towards higher management as the inflexible power-trippers who were blocking progress.
The fact that the highest managers had gotten involved and because people kept addressing me personally, I feared that another managerial talk would soon follow. Along the lines of "again you blundered out there and got people pissed", or "you should have been less visible and defered to your colleagues". Now, so far all of that is simply in my head as I haven't even spoken to my teamlead yet, but that's the way anxiety works: it fills in blanks with worst-case scenarios. What this effectively means is that I can't even break wind at the office, without fearing that somehow management repercussions will follow.
On wednesday night this led to a big panic attack, which had me in cramps and aches most of the night. I'm proud of how Marli handled the situation, as she calmly and quickly did everything to help. "What do you mean? I was a grouchy bitch!" she retorted my pride, but nonetheless she did exactly what I needed :)
Come thursday morning, I'm a wreck so I don't go to the office. I found it odd that my physique had been affected by the panic attack this much (muscle aches, nausea, headache, dizziness), until we concluded later that day that I have the flu :) So there we go: a messed up night due to anxiety and messed up days because of the flu.
kilala.nl tags: work, enryo, health, body, meh, anxiety,
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2012-04-21 08:15:00
Yesterday was my sixth and last appointment with my therapist, to work on my anxiety issues. Having started guided self-help last July I've learnt a lot and the doc now deems me ready to hack it alone.
While my problems aren't nearly as heavy as some other GADS sufferers, he was incredibly pleased by the progress I've shown. That doesn't mean that my panic disorder is gone, that was proven no less than four weeks ago when I had a small panic attack in the dojo dressing room. But it does mean that I am now capable of preventing most panics and of dealing with those that -do- occur. And that was proven last month as well, because I quickly broke through the cycle.
To quickly summarize what happened then:
Afterwards I was 100% worn out and couldn't drive, but at least I never spiraled out of control.
So there you have it! I'm well on my way of dealing with my anxieties. Of course, the real test will follow on our next holiday.
kilala.nl tags: anxiety, awesome,
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2012-04-03 17:19:00
Last time I went to the Amstelveen dojo, I had an anxiety attack (only a slight one) after being thoroughly exhausted by the training. At the time it wasn't safe for me to drive myself home, so I was lucky to have Martijn with me. That one event has thrown up a barrier for me to go to Amstelveen alone.
Last week I had an excuse not to attend training in the form of my Standby Duty for $CLIENT. This week I was happy to have Peter-sempai come along, so he could be my proverbial savior if things went wrong again. But unfortunately Peter had to call off because of work, so now I am left to face my anxieties.
I do not want my anxieties to stop me from practicing kendo in Amstelveen. But I would lie if I said I wasn't a bit nervous about going tonight. I'm alone, with no alternative driver to take me home.
as I said: I don't want my anxiety to interfere with my training! I'm going tonight, come what may! I'll just have to be smart about it! If I feel that I've overexerted myself, I will stop for the night. And as always I am prepared for problems! I have enou fluids with me, I have dextrose and a snack with me, I always carry a bag for hyperventilation. I'm just as prepared as I could ever be! Nothing to stop me!
Thus ends the pep talk. :)
EDIT:
I went. It went fine. I was a bit tired at the end, but some dextrose helped out. I trained with the beginners' group and served as motodachi for harai-kote practice. Gave me a good chance to practice my posture and kamae. Roelof-sensei remarked that I was way too tense. He also showed me the proper technique for receiving blows in kirikaeshi.
kilala.nl tags: anxiety, sports, kendo,
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2012-03-21 20:27:00
The day before yesterday, Heeren-sensei taunted me on Facebook warning that class was going to be "survival of the fittest". I had no idea what that meant, but was sure it was going to be hard work. Well, he didn't lie! Because last night's class was really something else!
After warming up we were told to form pairs with someone of comparable height and fitness. Naturally, Martijn and I teamed up: we're just as tall and out-of-shape and we're bonded through our Almere dojo. What followed was 45 minutes of "interval training", as Jouke called it. We would be taking turns in various exercises meant to completely exhaust our arms and shoulders.
I'm really quite hazy about last night's details, so I might've missed a step here or there. I went to bed immediately when coming home, so I didn't even make notes!
As I mentioned, the whole point of this gruelling exercise was to exhaust us up to a point that we couldn't do anything but efficient kendo. With our arms so tired we just have to be relaxed and we have to do proper striking. Jouke repeatedly asked us to memorize the feeling of all of this, so we could try and emulate it later.
For the last half hour of class we did jigeiko. I faced three people, including mr vd Velde and Raoul-sempai. I'm very sorry to say that I've probably forgotten some of the important points.
Raoul-sempai took his time with me. Instead of full-on geiko, he told me to strike and that he'd let me through if it looked like a good strike. He primarily coached me on my small strikes and fumikomi.
By the end of class and in the shower I was feeling completely drained. In the dressing room I sat there, slunk a bit. While I was having a chat with Heeren-sensei I got faint and got a panic attack. Luckily I manage to nip that in the bud, by using breathing exercises. Thank $DEITY Martijn was with me, so he could drive us both home.
kilala.nl tags: kendo, sports, anxiety,
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2012-02-16 07:16:00
Starting this week, my desk at the office has been rearranged somewhat. All of my gear's been moved to the right, thus providing unihibited view of the divider board. This board is now adorned with a piece of A5 paper, bearing the kanji shown left: enryo, 遠慮(picture source).
Enryo is the Japanese concept of (and word for) restraint. The kanji consists of the words for distant and prudence.
I've chosen this word as my mental goal for this year, next to my physical education goal of fumikomi. Why? Because restraint will help me both at work, in kendo and in my anxieties. At work, because I've repeatedly gotten in trouble for being too hasty. In kendo, because I show way too much of what goes on in my head. In my anxieties, because control over mind and body will aid in preventing and fighting panic attacks.
Here are two excellent articles about the concept of enryo in Japanese culture:
Speaking of my anxiety disorder. I visited my therapist again yesterday and he's quite happy about my progress. He was disappointed that I had not continued with the progressive relaxation exercises, but was glad that I'd replaced them with concepts from kendo and tai chi. From here on I will be setting exposure goals for myself, where I simply go out and expose myself to situations I loathe, of ever-increasing difficulty. We will meet up only once more after this, after which my therapist is confident that I can continue the training on my own.
Finally, just to keep track of stuff: in the middle of the night I had a mild bout of hyperventilation.
kilala.nl tags: anxiety, hyperventilation, kendo, enryo,
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2012-02-12 16:11:00
Last night I was, as is the custom on some evenings, watching an episode of MLP:FiM with Dana. This time (we're running behind on S02) it was Lesson Zero, in which Twilight Sparkle flips her wig. I was already aware that we share some traits (book smart, nerdy, socially awkward), but now we can add OCD and anxiety to the pile.
It's nice that the episode provided plenty of screenshots suitable for illustrating the snowball effect of an anxiety attack.
On a lighter note, here's a PMV sumarizing the episode in one minute.
kilala.nl tags: geeky, anxiety,
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2012-01-25 14:28:00
Recently I restored my schoolwork Wiki and since then I've been leafing through many of my old reports and term papers. While I loved just about all of the classes I took, one of the most interesting ones was Student Care ("zorg verbreding"). This class taught us about students who would require special care, be it for physical or mental disabilities.
At the time I chose to do a report on two related, mental disabilities: anxiety disorders and mood disorders.
I find it funny that at the time I never put 1+1 together to discover that I myself suffer from an anxiety disorder ^_^ It's now glaringly obvious, but that the time the penny never dropped. In my report I even refered to and quoted a comic and blogpost by Mike Krahulik of Penny Arcade. Reading that article now it seems so bloody familiar! The snow ball of small, worrying thoughts is exactly what I have as well.
So after that it's definitely worth it to go over some of my other schoolwork. Who else what I might dig up! :D
kilala.nl tags: school, anxiety,
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2011-12-08 21:21:00
It's been a few months since I got started on my training to cope with my anxiety. So far the training has been mostly educational, explaining the workings of anxiety attacks and their effects on people. After that I've now reached the first practical stage.
Currently I'm going through relaxation exercises, but funnily enough I find them hard going. To be more precise, with the first few exercises I'm bored out of my skull! And calculating that I need to go through each exercise at least ten times on a daily basis that makes for an interesting two months. =_=
Check it out. The exercises come with a CD that you listen to for instructions. For sure the man has a pleasant voice, but halfway through the assignment it gets mindboglingly... well, I fall asleep :)
So. I need to find a way to press through.
kilala.nl tags: anxiety,
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2011-10-15 14:48:00
Another quiet day, since we're winding things down now that we're reaching the close of our holiday. The morning was spent at "home", after which we visited the Nanba area again. This time we walked around the various shoutengai in the neighborhood, since they provide cover from the rain, while also housing a great variety of shops.
At Bic Camera we, against our better judgement, visited the toy department. There's dozens of things we'd love to buy, but there's no reason at all to do so. There's bunches of toys that the little boy inside me would love to get his hands on, but they aren't actually that good, nor would they warrant bringing them home to the Netherlands.
We also dawdled for a while at the rack of randoseru (those lovely backpacks, remember?) as Bic Camera actually had one for 98 euros! Again we couldn't justify the purchase and we had our doubts about such a backpack for Dana. Would she be teased because of it? would other kids steal or damage it, because it's so different? Is it too big to take home? Etc...
We had dinner at Tengu (テング), which was great and better than Wara Wara in many respects. I also had a small and short panic attack, caused by a sudden and urgent need for a lavatory. Funnily enough the panic attack followed ten minutes after the problem had been solved.
Today saw the airing of NHK's new period drama (not period as in "menstruation", but period as in "set in older times") Carnation. I wish I could see the whole show one day, cause it seems like something I'd really enjoy.
EDIT:
Recently there was another one of those cool specials on TV Osaka, the kind where some semi-famous people play tourist in their own country. This time it was two dudes going through the Japanese Alps in a show called Iitabi Yumeikibun (いい旅・夢気分, roughly "A dream journey"). Apparently there's more episodes to the series, but this one focused on autumn in the Shinhotaka and Hida area. Here's the trailer. The onsen and mountain visited during the show look great, so that's something for another holiday.
They also visited a -great- attraction, called Gattan Go!, aka Railway Mountainbike. The concept:
Personally I think it's a great idea!
kilala.nl tags: japan, travel, anxiety,
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2011-09-29 13:53:00
At 01:00 I was greeted by a very cheerful "Hello daddy!". "Hello jetlag" is more like it! Dana was wide awake and it took her almost two hours to fall back asleep.
We'd planned on taking today slow, what with it being our first day in the country. We however didn't count on it being -this- slow ^_^;
After breakfast at the hotel (I really enjoy the traditional breakfast of miso and onigiri, while Marli and Dana stick to buns and oats) we decided to stomp around the hotel's neighborhood a little bit. We paid a visit to the local temple and then took a long way around back to Hakata JR station. We had lunch at a katsu shop and then headed back to the hotel through the underground tunnel connecting Gion to the station. The air was pretty stale, but undoubtedly it'll be comfortable during heavy rains.
Marli was feeling a bit headachy, so I took Dana for a stroll while she took a short nap. We went back again to the JR station, to go down to the subway and get two Hayakaken IC cards. While you can pay all public transport using coins, it's much easier to use a chip card and admittedly it works a hell of a lot easier than the system we have in the Netherlands. I made a mistake in reading about the card though: I understood it to work in Osaka as well, while the website explicitly mentions that it works in -Suica- area as well, not Icoca. So that's Tokyo and others, not Osaka. Doh!
On the way back I turned bright red and got a burning sensation. Initially I thought I was hyperventilating, but then I wrote it off to sunburn. The weather over here is pretty incredible! Bright, bright sunshine and temperatures around 30 degrees. The city even has humidifiers set up around the station to put a mist of water in the air. Wow! In the end it turns out that I -was- hyperventilating! Good thing I wrote it off as something else, 'cause otherwise that'd have been my second panic attack of the day. =_=
In the afternoon we took a trip to Fukuoka Tower, and met with Kaj and Michel. On the trip there Marli actually proved more succesful in navigating to the bus stop AND in picking the right bus. Without any legible signage whatsowever! I was damn impressed! The tower is boasted to be one of Japan's tallest towers, at 234 meters. It's mostly for show, since the lower 108 meters are nothing but a hollow, triangular shape through which the elevator goes up. The panorama deck gives a beautiful view of the city and the bay/sea.
Dinner was… *ponders* Ah, McDonalds, would you believe it? And I have to say, it's a lot better than the western mickey-D's. Marli and I shared a teriyaki burger and a tamago (egg) burger, both of which were good. The tamago one was excellent actually! After that, back to the hotel, for nap-time. This time around Dana didn't fall asleep immediately, and instead kept me up for 1.5 hours.
kilala.nl tags: japan, travel, anxiety,
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2011-09-27 13:19:00
I've been up for thirty hours straight and it's time to hit the hay. Sadly I haven't taken any real pictures, due to exhaustion and keeping an eye on Dana. For day one, there's only a few camphone pics of people sleeping ^_^
So! What a journey! All times below are CET.
kilala.nl tags: travel, japan, anxiety,
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2011-08-18 22:38:00
As part of my self-help process to tackle my anxieties and panic attacks I'm supposed to keep a log of my fears. This will help in both understanding my thought processes and in fixing them where they are flawed.
Tonight we were discussing our upcoming trip to Japan and got to talking about my doubts. The snowball was in full effect! The train of thought went something like this.
All the while my stomach was churning more and more, physically indicating to me that I was having an anxiety episode. Marli dispelled each and every of my "what if"s with a logical and sane explanation. And she also reassured me that we have already figured out a few ways to prevent me having a real panic attack.
I'm very thankful for her help :)
kilala.nl tags: anxiety,
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2011-07-31 15:24:00
As mentioned a few weeks ago I finally went to have a chat with a local healthcare worker about my anxieties. For the better part of an hour I explained my experiences and my theories about what might be behind it all. To summarize the talk:
One of the things that the doc found remarkable was the light hearted fashion in which I discussed it all. He found it interesting that I was smiling, talking quite happily and that I seemed relaxed. No telling if "interesting" means "good", "bad" or had absolutely no judgement of value at all. Anyway...
The doc suggested I give Christine van Boeijen's self help methods a try. This involves exercises where I get to understand fear and thought and where I get more familiar with my own anxieties. The method also requires me to have a buddy, for which I'll ask both Menno and Marli for their help. The first as my heterosexual lifemate, the latter as my wife and both know me through-and-through. The first an expert in reflection, the latter a strong+stern support.
So yes... working on it!
kilala.nl tags: health, anxiety,
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2011-07-12 13:13:00
So yeah, looking back on my life I've always had a varying degree of social anxiety. As a kid I'd get "school sick" because of a bully in my class, in school I avoided parties when I could and bowed out early ("I'm not feeling well"), I'd feel queesy on holidays and would often rather stay home than go on trips. Most of these things persist to this day, though I always thought it was just:
While #1 might be true to a degree, in recent years I've realized that it well and truly is anxiety and it's been getting worse with age. To the degree that I do not handle unexpected outings well ("hey honey, let's go into town on your way home from work!"), nor can I properly cope with unknown environments (case in point, our trips to England and Denmark). So yes, even a phone call while I'm on the train home, asking me to make a detour into the city can leave me dazed and nauseous.
For now I'm trying to keep things in check by forcing myself through it... So yes, this afternoon I will in fact go into town. And in order to really tackle the problems I have finally scheduled an appointment with our local specialist on the subject.
Also, Menno's recent gift of a book on mindfulness ought to be helpful. I've read through it once, now I'll need to re-read it and actually integrate those aspects that I find interesting and useful.
kilala.nl tags: anxiety,
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2011-05-25 06:13:00
Had another bout of hyperventilation in the middle of the night. I think it's linked to a short panic attack I had during the evening. I'm feeling anxious about next weekend and the moment Marli mentioned Saturday I felt a surge of adrenaline and fear shoot through me. Ever so quickly, but apparently it was enough...
kilala.nl tags: hyperventilation, anxiety,
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2011-03-16 15:18:00
Today something rather rare happened: I had a panic attack in the middle of my workday.
I'm happy that I recognized it as such because that helped put things in perspective, which in turn aided in a swifter recovery. The timeline of my thoughts and the snowball effect was something like this:
So, that's a small irrelevant thought that combines with a move outside of my "safety zone" to make a snowball of doubts leading to a panic. Heading back to the office immediately signalled that I was working to "fix" the problem and the walking also helped burn off the adrenaline. I still felt sick an hour afterwards, but by lunch time I was perfectly okay again.
kilala.nl tags: life, health, anxiety,
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2011-02-21 22:08:00
This fall we will be making a trip to Japan. This time it's not just me going to the land of the rising sun, like in 2007, but it's all three of us! Or actually, all five or six of us since my sis+b.i.l and possibly even Kaijuu are joining us. In preparation of this long holiday, which involves two twelve-hour flights, we decided to do a short trial run with Dana. Last weekend we took her on her first plane ride and it went wonderfully!
We'd chosen to go to Copenhagen, because if Dana'd really flipped her lid, we'd still be able to go home by train. But the backup plan was not needed, because she had no trouble at all. The wait at Schiphol airport, the take off, the flight, the landing and the final round up at CPH: no problems at all! Dana was entertained by iPhone games and puzzles such as Monkey Preschool Lunchbox and Tozzle, both of which she really loves! That kid is just nuts about puzzles! ^_^
And, as the picture on the left shows, on the way back she was so exhausted and comfortable that she fell asleep in my lap during landing in Amsterdam. Awwww <3 We're feeling confident about the long flight to Japan. Takeoff and landing will be fine, now we'll just have to keep her entertained for the remaining eleven hours :p
EDIT:
I have to say: I absolutely love the Copenhagen CPH airport! All the logistics are efficient (e.g. border security and the gate procedures), they have plenty of play areas for children and their shopping areas are great. It feels brighter and friendlier than Schiphol.
Also, with regards to my earlier panic blog posts: on our way to Schiphol I was getting more and more anxious and when we finally got on the plane I was feeling pretty badly. However, being occupied with Dana took most of my problems away and in the end I didn't have any real attack at all. Wonderful! On the way back i had no troubles at all, so that's also a nice reinforcement for this fall.
kilala.nl tags: baby, anxiety,
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2011-02-18 16:14:00
Aptly called Panic Party.
Call it a forum, slash support group, slash source of information and tips. A few things I've learnt so far, though not all of it was news:
I'm gonna hate cutting back on the coffee, but then again that's just my attitude regarding coffee which I need to get over. Imagine that, from someone who started drinking coffee only five years ago.
kilala.nl tags: life, health, anxiety,
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2011-02-14 12:12:00
I wonder why not everybody does this: carry a small booklet or card in their wallet with relevant medical information. I'm sure that it'll be helpful if the proverbial sh*t ever hits the fan.
In preparation for our next trip to Japan I've made bilingual booklets for the both of us, with our personal information, emergency contact info and our medical history (blood type, medication, illnesses). Making the booklet with Pages was a snap, because of its wonderful layout capabilities.
In the case of Marli it'll be important for emergency crews to know of her gastric bypass. Similarly, it'll also be helpful to know about my hyperventilation and my panic attacks.
Speaking of which, last night I had another one again without any particularly obvious reason and the effects lasted for well over an hour. This prompted me to take a day of sick leave to recuperate and to have a chat with my GP. He agrees that it's highly likely that what I'm experiencing are indeed panic attacks and that it's best if I have a few sessions to learn about cognitive behavioral techniques. Like I discussed with Menno a few months ago I certainly recognize the agoraphobic aspects that usually accompany panic attacks. Our upcoming 1-day trip to Kopenhagen with Dana will certainly be an interesting challenge.
kilala.nl tags: life, health, body, anxiety,
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2010-06-09 21:41:00
28 minutes, 4700 meters, 10,0 km/h average (FSCK YEA!).
After successfully completing my run and during my cool down my stomach/intestines went haywire. And with nowhere to go, because I was still fifteen minutes from home. I'd experienced the same thing over ten years ago and that didn't end pretty. My guts were messed up for almost five years! :(
So I took a chance and rang a stranger's doorbell. Thank $DEITY for helpful people! To him it might've been a minor inconvenience, but to me it was a major relief (both mental and physical).
*thank-you card sent* I think it's important to be polite and show your appreciation. Reminds me of the SIRE Warning: friendly! campaign.
kilala.nl tags: sports, c25k, body, anxiety,
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2008-11-11 12:19:00
Today I've taken the day off to recuperate from rather bad night. We woke around midnight to feed Dana, the both of us a little bitchier than usual. I fscked up a few things, which in turn led to a rather serious discussion about the near future with Dana. At the time it sounded to me like a lot of je t'accuse, which of course it wasn't.
That combined with a lack of real sleep and stress from work led to the heaviest bout of hyperventilation I've had in ages. It came quickly and heavily, with me almost fainting within minutes. I'm real glad that Marli kept a level head, first taking care of Dana and then of me. She knew I'd be safe for a few minutes while she did the rest. All in all everything took half an hour after which I'd gone completely weak and was shivery with cold. Because it put such a big strain on my body I thought it'd be better to rest up a day before returning to the office
kilala.nl tags: hyperventilation, health, anxiety,
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2007-12-28 07:51:00
This morning I set out to visit the Arima onsen village. I was very much looking forward to starting this trip with a quiet day, soaking in nice, hot water.
The trip started out well, with me exploring the way along Higashi Umeda (see before) and Shin-Osaka. The latter is also where I learned not to leave out "unimportant" parts of a station name, like "Shin". In this case I was supposed to take the Shinkansen (bullet train), to Shin-Kobe. What I -did- get onto, was the local train from Shin-Osaka to wherever, which goes nowhere near Shin-Kobe (though it passes through Kobe station).
A video clip, taken on the train.
One of the things that struck me while travelling by train is the huge diversity one sees in Japan's buildings. They really are a very diverse mix of architectural styles and ages. You'll see temples, both ancient and modern. You'll see buildings from the 40s, 60s, 80s and 2000s. You'll see brick, concrete, glass, wood and even sheet metal. You'll see western buildings, functional buildings, pretty buildings and sometimes just plain godawful buildings. There's absolutely no discernible "standard" for the housing around here (Osaka/Kobe district).
Anywho... Instead of going to Arima the quick way, I took an hour or two to explore the Akashi local park. It's pretty damn big and sports not only their local castle, but also stadia for both baseball and track&field. Seeing how the weather was lovely, there were quite a few people there enjoying a leisurely stroll.
From there on, I travelled back to Kobe in order to take the subway to Arima. I stopped to grab lunch at Kobe, but made a bad mistake as well. Nowhere during the day did I take a half hour's rest to eat and rest. This would come back to bite me big-time later on.
At Shinkaichi station I learnt that two people can work out the buying of a subway ticket, even if they speak no common language. Case in point: me and the attendant at Shinkaichi station. I only speak english and can ask basic questions in Japanese (Arima Onsen no densha wa doko desu-ka?), while the kind fellow speaks next to no English (Ticket, there *point*). He helped me out with the ticketmachine and wrote down the amount of money I had to drop in. Yay teamwork! And: yay friendly railway attendants!
Japan fscking rules when it comes to friendliness and customer service! /o/
By the time I got to Arima, it was already too late to drop in at one of the communal onsen. I was also starting to feel bad, so I decided to turn back. And that's about when the trouble started. I was -very- low on energy, after not eating well for two days and only sleeping two hours, so I felt awful. I had to get out of the train at least three times, because I was ready to puke. Somewhere between Arimaguchi and Tanigami I figured out I was having a panic attack, so I just allowed myself to fall asleep. After that things became a bit better again, especially so when I stocked up on chocolate at Shin-Kobe. Hooray for instant sugars ^_^
As I mentioned earlier, I got fscking lost at Higashi-Umeda (forty fscking minutes to transfer between trains!), so I was well beat when I finally got home. Did I mention that I managed to get lost in the 500 meters between our station and our apartment? I ought to be ashamed :)
A dinner and a bath later I'm starting to feel a lot better. In the end I managed to sleep a solid seven to eight hours, so I'm feeling a lot better now. I didn't even wake up when my roomy came home around midnight!
kilala.nl tags: japan 2007, health, anxiety,
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All content, with exception of "borrowed" blogpost images, or unless otherwise indicated, is copyright of Thomas Sluyter. The character Kilala the cat-demon is copyright of Rumiko Takahashi and used here without permission.