2012-02-20 17:55:00
EDIT: There has been an update to this blog post.
Today was a heavy day. One that signals, hopefully for the last time, a need to make a big change in my personality.
In my written communication I often come across as highly arrogant and as if I have a god complex. I also tend to make decissions without confering with colleagues who may also be involved with the area involved. This has gotten me a few professional successes, but it's also gotten me a few reprimands, because people feel I was overstepping my bounds. This attitude also gives off the notion of a lack of confidence in others.
Today this climaxed in a meeting with my boss, two colleagues from other teams (teams A and B, us being C) and their respective bosses. Over the past year the relationships between our teams had been pretty difficult, so my boss and I went into the meeting thinking this was about clearing the air between our teams and on forging the way onward. However, it turns out that it was a meeting solely intended to discuss my attitude and my influence on our three teams. That was rather unexpected.
What was even more unexpected is that colleague R (team B), whom I've known and worked with for at least six years, now refuses to work with me. One of my emails apparently drove him into a red haze state, for which he visited his GP. I mean, seriously! That's not good! All the while I'd thought that me and R were just being the way we'd always been: sometimes friendly, sometimes sparring rather angrily. But I never expected this! It was slightly reassuring to hear from colleagues that I'm not the first one to trigger this condition in R, but it still makes me feel awful! Of course I don't want to be responsible for such an event!
The roles of two of the teams were clear in the meeting. Obviously R and his manager (team B) were very displeased and most of the hour was spent determining my failings and asking how I was going to change them. And obviously I was there to answer for myself and to hear them out (team C). I'm very thankful that my own manager backed me up fully, agreeing that things were bad, but also indicating that all of this is not a lost cause and that she saw more good than bad in me. In all this team A were rather passive. Our two departments have had a strained relationship, but we've ascertained that those troubles are not actually tied to my person.
I readily admit that I have a large ego and that in some situations I exude (over)confidence. But I also posit that a lot of the problems discussed today were due to bad communication. Specifically: due to a poor choice of words. My language is often crass and "street". I also speak in absolutes, even if I'm not actually trying to convey that. For example:
I think we can all agree that my choice of words does not match the message I'm trying to convey.
I have also re-read the email message that sent my colleage R into his bad state. And I can see where it went wrong: because of a bad choice of words and because I didn't convey the full message, assuming that the left-out parts were clear. My boss also read through the email and agrees that that's how it went. Where my email was supposed to add to an already large email discussion, suggesting that R's suggestion was sub-optimal for my team and that we would prefer another one and that we would need to discuss it further, he read the message as me putting him down in front of at least four high-placed managers.
So. Where do we go from here? Most of the points were discussed with my manager.
This will be part of my study goal of enryo (遠慮): reservation in communications and in decissions.
After all the negativity, R gave me one parting message, which stood out in its positivity: "You need to learn to open up and to trust others. Rely on them to do their thing. You cannot deal with everything yourself and you will find yourself needing their help". The reason why this message touched me so much, was because it perfectly matches the thing I need to learn to cope with my anxiety: the wellbeing of others does not depend on my effort alone.
kilala.nl tags: life, enryo, meh,
View or add comments (curr. 12)
Posted by Menno
By talk it over I mean with the person involved. Not a check that a colleague performs for you. Use your voice! :)
Posted by Cailin Coilleach
Excellent points, both of them. And yes, you are absolutely right: I rely waaaaaay too much on written word. Something that's now proven to be a deficiency of mine.
Posted by Cailin Coilleach
Of course, Marli has been saying this for years :D
But do I ever listen? No... I'm an ass.
Posted by Mistoffelees
Seems to be a character trait that we share. I've been in similar situations because of the way how I express myself. I've been working hard lately to improve this and make sure I think twice about how I convey my message, both verbally and written to other parties. It really isn't easy as you usually just assume that the other party can fill in the "obvious" blanks. Sorry to hear you have gotten in a situation like this, but good that you took your time to learn from it.
Posted by Kaijuu
Without wanting to downplay your troubles ; I found your e-mail conundrum comparable with this tdWTF-entry: "Beaten into submission"
You can do it, buddy!
Posted by Cailin Coilleach
Ha, that's actually not a bad parallel Kaijuu. Hyperbole, which I often use, can often lead to bad situations. Very recognizable.
Posted by Cailin Coilleach
Two days after this blog post, there are a few things that have been said and done.
Most importantly: many people have reassured me that the problems I ran into with R were not simply down to my own issues. Others have had similar issues with him, including the same "reprimand" talk I've had with the manager(s). And the colleagues I asked to take a look, think that the emails I sent were not as bad as R made them out to be. Many people cannot understand his reaction to them and they indicate that R himself has sent similar emails.
To sum it up: many people think that the issue at hand was caused by two big egos clashing, pulled out of proportion.
This doesn't take away the fact that I have chosen to take away something positive from this. I am still dedicated to improving my decision making processes and to improve my communication skills. It's just that I will not necessarily be doing them to accommodate a colleague. I'll be doing them because it's The Right Thing(tm) to do so.
Posted by melissa (website)
This is something I have had to deal with from our clients. When they're having a problem with the system, a lot of times they'll communicate to us "X is broken" rather than something like "I see an issue with X" - and a lot of times it's not even that X is broken, but either user error, misunderstanding of what X does, or a problem with something else that affects X. Learning to communicate in such a way that conveys facts without leaning on assumptions is a good skill (and one that I in turn have had to learn as I'm testing things).
I've actually started doing something similar--if I have to be firm in an email (telling the client what they must do or what we will not do) or if I feel emotionally compromised in any way (i.e., angry), I'll have someone else read over it before I send it, in order to not compromise my professionalism or strain the relationship because of something I've said.
Awareness is good :)
(Sounds like R needs some therapy)
Posted by Cailin Coilleach
Thanks for sharing your perspective Melissa! Food for thought :)
All content, with exception of "borrowed" blogpost images, or unless otherwise indicated, is copyright of Thomas Sluyter. The character Kilala the cat-demon is copyright of Rumiko Takahashi and used here without permission.
2012-02-21 09:39:00
Posted by Menno
A lot of lessons here! If I may add two remarks/observations:
1. the well being of others(grown ups) is ultimately their own responsibility. Not yours.
2. When you're thinking "how will I put this in an email?" give a call instead and talk it over. Then use email to summ up what's been said. Email is a very inadequate medium for transferring messages.